Apologies.

>> Saturday, 14 June 2008

Cops and Robbers, The Hoosiers

Exam was disastrous.

I love the examiner. Jeffrey XXX from Cornwall, UK. He loves cars and motoring and has two kids.

I should buy a Hot Wheels track to bribe him. Or for his kids to play with.

Mom said his accent was very heavy. I don't know I thought it sounded American. And I don't know why I had the feeling that examiners from the Trinity Guildhall are Irish lol.

He is super friendly! I could've marry him that instant.

When I passed him my programme note and the photocopy of the scores he asked, "Is that for me?"

"So, Win Zee, you're going to play me four songs today, the first is Prelude and Fugue by Bach."

Yes! He said my name!

Not like I'm happy or anything, har har.

The piano sounded brighter than mellow, which I'm glad... I guess.

And it was disastrous. Poulenc's 2nd Novelette was relatively better than the rest. But it just wasn't good enough.

Mom said it sounded good and that I have the chance to pass.

I didn't have the courage to tell her that it was disastrous.

I didn't thank my teacher for whatever she had done.

I didn't have the courage to tell her it was disastrous.

I didn't cry. I don't know how I should feel. Sad?

I asked my mom, what if I fail? in my usual bubbly, flippant tone.

She said, she, or anybody, won't blame me because I've done my best.

I felt so guilty.

I am so sorry.

I want someone to blame me, besides me, so that I will feel better about myself. So that I won't immerse in guilt.

No, Waning, don't blame me, haha.

I need something, or someone, to blame, so that I can share this guilt I'm feeling right now.

But there is no-one to blame. All efforts come from me; they just guide me to the right path.

Please don't forgive me.

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